I am sooo beat today, I'm hungover, lethargic and I feel like I need to have an iv put into me to hydrate my body. I have been drinking alot lately and not just often but alot. Last night was another night filled with lots of alcohol consumption and crazy happenings, I was with Samantha, Charlotte and a few others at Bricktown.. They have this free bottle beer night every Friday night. I had ditched "Mr Big" to be there for Samantha because she's got a guy she interested in and wants to be supported. So I expected for "Berger" to go because he goes every where with us. But he turned us down, as soon as I heard that my heart dropped I really felt uneasy that he wasn't going to be there. Am I suddenly gaining feelings for "Berger" I was astonished at myself for feeling that way. Later in the night he showed up and surprised all of us. Samantha was soo happy that he was there she gave him a standing ovation in which I was involved in as well. But when he did show I felt like I was missing him the entire time and I was overjoyed that he was there. Later that night after 3 jaeger shots and 5 beers, him and I had gotten in a lip lock. I don't know how it happened but from my recollection I was the initiator. My eyes were closed and I could feel that this wasn't just a random kiss it was really coming from my heart. I could almost feel him pouring his heart out to me in his kiss.. I may be over analyzing this whole occurrence but I just cant help it. Samantha is exhilarated about this, could it be that I am looking into this from a different angle because she is constantly telling me how great he is and I am now seeing her side of his wonderful-ness and there are absolutely no cons...Oh Lord, I am just sooo f-ing confused...

Stoned Again

Another night.... Stoned....
Im sitting on the floor in my living room with my roomate and we are both on our laptops looking like a bunch of computer nerds and not even talking to each other.
I have smoked a few bowl's and thinking about calling "MR BIG" I dont want to be the one calling him all the time, so I challenge him in calling me once in a while. He does 80% of the time. I know I can always count on Berger to call me. He's always there for me. He is just soo wonderful to me and I am not perceiving it very well. I guess I am confused about what's the right thing for me compared to what I want. "Mr Big" Showers me with affection and smile's but he doesnt do much for me. But should I be counting on a man to do thing's for me to make me happy? That's how it was with my Ex Mark! He took care of me financially and bought me almost everything I wanted where it got the point where I lost the whole " romanticism " in our relationship. I had forgoten that I had loved him as a person. He was too extravagant sometimes, taking us to much overly priced restaurants. After that relationship had ended I had realized that I lost someone that I really did love, because at that point I was working 2 jobs and supporting my self in ways I never had before and realizing that I can make it with out him and I wanted him back soo back just to be there in my life because I really truely did love him and I appreciated everything he did for me. Unfortunately he took his own life a month and a half after we had broken up. I had then gotten into a relationship with Chris after a few months of loosing Mark. Chris was 37 year old man that had what seemed to be everything. 2 homes, 2 cars, a boat and lots of money. He would take me out all the time and pay for my friends and again I was receiving extravagant gifts. But that fell apart, my lack of attractiveness to him was unbearable. I wasn't able to think of being with him sexually without gagging. So my point is, being spoiled with gifts and over attentiveness isn't really what I want. It doesnt matter what a man has or what he does. All that matter's is who makes me happy. Just like Ann Murray said " Even though we aint got money I'm soo in love with you honey" Because you can love a man with out money.... It is possible!!